Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
#Caturday
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread