Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter