Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
lol
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.