Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
It’s actually Dr. whatever
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”![]()
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.