Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Every. Damn. Time.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.