Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.