Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I hate everything
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I mean…but I did
I am patiently waiting for your email