HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide


[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?


*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.


When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.


“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”


8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur


The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.