Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Oh yeah that’s it
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.