Haha! 😂
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?