Haha good job!!
You Might Also Like
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.