haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Who chose this font
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.