haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Just parrot things
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?