Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

🤭

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact