Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I want this so bad
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.