Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You Might Also Like
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
#NeverForget
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.