haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist