@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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@The_can_maker

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

@mayamanion

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

@Parkerlawyer

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

@DrVanderschmidt

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@Aspersioncast

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

@XGroverX

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”