Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

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Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés


The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot


I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”


I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.


Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.


My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”


That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.


“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”