Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Nose
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?