Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.