Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
You Might Also Like
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Guys, I found it.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth