haha same
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.