Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.