Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.