@KalvinMacleod

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

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@causticbob

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@cluedont

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@dogfather

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@CockSnake

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

@Robert_Beau

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.