Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.