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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The Sun’s probably Asian.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Look at this
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.