Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
my fav colour is also hitler
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.