Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The struggle is real
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun