@KateQFunny

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

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@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@FilmsWeWant

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@jshbck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@behindyourback

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

@AndyAsAdjective

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.