@KateQFunny
@Kim_pulsive I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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@Kim_pulsive 
@Tw1tter_K1tten Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
@kelkulus I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
@FilmsWeWant Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
@fillthevacuum If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
@jshbck There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
@behindyourback I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
@AndyAsAdjective Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
@seandunn76 “What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
@slimmy_shady They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.