Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You Might Also Like
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?