[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You Might Also Like
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.