Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.