Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I enjoy a good short stor
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit