Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Worst perfume name ever.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot