Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.