Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended