Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me too 😆
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?