half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge