Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.