[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My dating profile:
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Danger is very dangerous
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY