Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If you love someone, let them tweet.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery