Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
58.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
me doing my best
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
wow