Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
a public service announcement
Great game to play with friends
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what