Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man