Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
me after eating Cheetos
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Would you wear it?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.