Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Same pineapple, same