Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes