Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
You Might Also Like
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
dogs can find happiness so easily
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.