Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left