Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
#MeanwhileInCanada
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
figuring out my emotional availability:
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*