Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)