(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.