Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”